Posted in Uncategorized, tagged brother, death, grief, grieving, hope, pain, peace, remembering, suicide on December 11, 2017| 4 Comments »
I never thought I’d make it six minutes after my brother’s death, let alone six years. But, here I am. Still standing.
I put on my father’s old leather boots, grab my walking stick, and head up the mountain…
By the time I get to the top, I begin to remember the life well-lived instead of only the death that swept me up in its furious agony.
And although I can’t explain it, my heart finds a moment of peace in remembering a day I’d rather forget.
Posted in Uncategorized, tagged birthday, brother, death, grief, grieve, loss, memorial, mourn, remembering, suicide on August 3, 2015| 14 Comments »
My jaw has been clenched tightly for over a week and I know it. Birthdays will do that. When you’ve lost a loved one, these special days–once so joyous–become about mustering just enough grit enough to get through.
Jay would have turned 39 today. Stop!
I’ll grind my teeth down to the gums if I don’t allow myself to have a good cry. And so, I do.
“What are YOU going to do for Jay’s birthday this year?” We bat this question around among family and friends; comparing notes about honoring his birth and dealing with the reality of his death.
Strange things. For a split second I wonder if anybody’s watching,
I’ve done this before, in birthdays gone by.
But, the waves of grief feel much stronger this year and I know why. Losing ‘Grammy’ has added to the grief of losing Jay and I wonder how something so subtractive can add so much weight.
for those who weep 
