My jaw has been clenched tightly for over a week and I know it. Birthdays will do that. When you’ve lost a loved one, these special days–once so joyous–become about mustering just enough grit enough to get through.

Jay would have turned 39 today. Stop!

JAY. IS. TURNING. 39. TODAY.

I’ll grind my teeth down to the gums if I don’t allow myself to have a good cry. And so, I do.

I am.

“What are YOU going to do for Jay’s birthday this year?” We bat this question around among family and friends; comparing notes about honoring his birth and dealing with the reality of his death.

So just what is a girl to do on days like these?

Strange things. For a split second I wonder if anybody’s watching,

but I don’t really care if they are.

I’ve done this before, in birthdays gone by.

But, the waves of grief feel much stronger this year and I know why. Losing ‘Grammy’ has added to the grief of losing Jay and I wonder how something so subtractive can add so much weight.

Like the corners of a photograph, Grammy and Jay hemmed us all in. But now we feel like a family frameless.

And so I grieve. Again.

And I heal. Again.

I remember. Again.

I release. Again.

And, He Redeems. 

Again. 

FOREVER.

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