My jaw has been clenched tightly for over a week and I know it. Birthdays will do that. When you’ve lost a loved one, these special days–once so joyous–become about mustering just enough grit enough to get through.
Jay would have turned 39 today. Stop!
JAY. IS. TURNING. 39. TODAY.
I’ll grind my teeth down to the gums if I don’t allow myself to have a good cry. And so, I do.
I am.
“What are YOU going to do for Jay’s birthday this year?” We bat this question around among family and friends; comparing notes about honoring his birth and dealing with the reality of his death.
So just what is a girl to do on days like these?
Strange things. For a split second I wonder if anybody’s watching,
but I don’t really care if they are.
I’ve done this before, in birthdays gone by.
But, the waves of grief feel much stronger this year and I know why. Losing ‘Grammy’ has added to the grief of losing Jay and I wonder how something so subtractive can add so much weight.
My cell gurgles. Signal of a new email. I look up from reading a book on grief and read this email. I am on the trail of grief. Stalked by grieving, I turned around to confront and realized grief was not, is not, my enemy. And death comes in many forms. Recently I opened my heart ears to listen to a loved one’s howling grief over a failed marriage, and more. In listening, in being finally heard, he grew calmer. Loss and failure are deep wounds, slow to even form scabs. Thank you for sharing.
Run toward this giant, my friend. With victory guaranteed.
Your bible pages, your words, and the beautiful beach scenes are touching and powerful.
Blessing hugs,
Teresa
Thank you, dear one.
Sweet Penny; I love you!!!
Right back at you, Shonna!
So beautiful a remembrance and Birthday celebration. You did him proud and I picture your brother beaming with pride from Heaven of his sister.
Patricia visiting from your post on HKFC Facebook.
Thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot to this sister’s heart.
Dear Penny, I share your grief and miss Jay so much. You totally honored him with this memorial for his birthday. 39 is unbelievable to me. I still see my little boy and cry with you. Love Mom
I hear you, Mama. I cannot eeeeeeeeeeven wait to embrace him again. I have a lot of dreams about that scene. What a reunion that will be. LOVE YOU.
Great Job Penny…Thanks for sharing…Having dinner with your mom tomorrow. Jerry and Marcia
Wonderful! Love you both.
This is so beautiful Penny, so powerful. Thank you for sharing. Although I just met you at the BCBC marriage seminar this weekend I feel in my heart a great connection. In a short time we shared some deep sorrow only some can truly understand. Thank you! God Bless you, your doing amazing work.
I am so glad to have met you and for the opportunity to connect about your loss. We must grieve in community. It’s much too hard to grieve alone. May God continue to invade your heart with hope and peace.